The Life of an Orphan
by self-piercing
Summary: Things aren't always easy, but that mean they aren't always hard either. You can't always look for the dark, one day it will get to you. Deals with drugs, addiction and prostitution.
1. Chapter 1

There are things out there you can't even imagine.

Things aren't always easy, but that mean they aren't always hard either. You can't always look for the dark, one day it will get to you. As a child you're learned to enjoy the small things, and be happy, normally. Of course I'm one of those who didn't. My father was sure to teach me that stronger meant better. If I wasn't able to do what he wanted, if I do it right, fast enough or long enough, I would be punished. I wouldn't get anything to enjoy, but I wouldn't let it show. At school I would get questions, why are you always bruised, why are you so skinny, why are you so good at everything. My father didn't agree, I was never good enough in his eyes. Must have been why he had been given away.

I heard my roommate itch his hand as I was rolling a cigarette adding a tiny bit of weed. "We should stop doing this shit." I said it more to myself. He wasn't much of a talker, but sometimes he would talk. "Yeah," was his drowsy response. I light up my cigarette. We would swear to stop living this life every now and then. It never worked out, now it seemed that he was too high to know what he was agreeing to. I got up and slipped on a dress. "You need me to get you a shot?" He seemed to out of it to get it himself. He just nodded and kept looking at the ceiling. I didn't mind using the money I earned on him. It was some sort of trade. He would take care of me when I came home beaten and sore, or just drunk out of my mind. I would get him drugs when he couldn't himself. I didn't need any myself. I now had an appointment at eight. I was going to this classy restaurant, then we would go to his place, I would stop at the park then get home again.

I had sent Itachi a message that I was coming. He didn't seem to care who of us came, hell he would have us both over if he could afford it. He longed for a real relationship. He would always take us somewhere first. He was ruined by war, but he was sent home when they found out that he had a weak heart. He was nice, one of a kind. I always felt bad for leaving him. He just wanted love, we wanted his money.

I was really hungry for some chocolate when I arrived at the restaurant. Itachi was waiting. He was always early, or maybe I was just late. I'm not sure, I never bothered to find out. He smiled and got up when I came over to the table. I didn't know why he just didn't get a girlfriend. He wasn't some ugly creep, not my taste of boys, still not ugly. "I was expecting Deidara. How is he?" He helped me get seated. "He's as good as a junkie can be." That meant that he was high, too high to function. Itachi nodded. I looked in my purse to see if I had any mints or something. "Looking for something sweet?" Itachi asked and handed me a small chocolate. He knew me too well.

We were able to hold a conversation over the dinner. Talking about the latest gossip around town. We had some mutual acquaints. I used to be full of gossip until I turned 16 and was shipped off to where I live now. When chances are small that you'll be adopted they gave you a place to sleep so you wouldn't be on the street and said goodbye. Of course I could have been adopted many times. I was pretty and smart. I had gotten to know this life at the age of 14 and did everything I could not to change it. I worshiped my freedom. I would do whatever I needed to keep it. My body was just the container of my mind. I didn't care what happened to it. I didn't have a heart anymore. I was just a body and a mind.

I didn't know if Itachi was gay or bisexual. If he was gay it didn't stop him from sleeping with me. Slightly high on weed I sort of wanted it to. It was a trick I had picked up. He would always look me in the eyes while his hips did the work. Always him on the top. Things never changed. Just before everything was over I would wish I was somewhere else, that I was someone else. I was a rich spoiled brat. He would release inside of me and slip out, and everything would be better. I would get my high, I would soon feel better and forget. He held me close and placed his head on top of my chest. I couldn't stay the night. I waited until he had fallen asleep. I got dressed and went over to grab the money I had earned when something took a hold of my hand. "Stay the night!" he begged. "I can't, Deidara needs me." He would let go of me and I sneak out into the night.

The air felt so fresh, like I had been locked up in a box for ages. I went over to the park to get next day's fix. I decided against buying Deidaras heroin and bought some pain killers and some overprized bottles of vodka. Deidara was half asleep and burning up when I came back. The house was so quiet at the moment. We all know it was an illusion, it was all a lie. It's never this quiet unless someone has just died. I ran up to my room before someone showed up. "You need to stop eating all that candy, you might get fat you know." He didn't speak as slowly as he does when he's high. His hair was hanging in front of his right eye and he was rubbing his other eye. How he knew I was eating candy I don't know. "I eat what I want to, when I want to. It's not like I want to be as skinny as you anyway." Deidara was really skinny. The drugs were slowly killing him. He didn't see, he was never hungry. "I brought home something to drink." I could feel his glare of death hit my back. This is how we start every single fucking time. I wanted to help him, but I was never able to. "We need to stop doing this shit." I took a bit of my chocolate. He was tired of trying. He wanted to quit, but as soon as his worst turkey moments were over he'd run and get a new shot.

I still remember the first time I had meet him. He had this glow around him, contagiously good mood. His smile would make you want to cry out of joy. I had just gotten here. They had given up all hope of me ever getting a foster family. He wasn't this down then. He had shown me around this crappy hellhole. Told me what I needed to keep for myself and what was safe to let the others see. Basically everything of value. That meant my mother's necklace. I don't remember much about her, but I still value what is left of her. He still wore a shirt at that time. He only had a few needle marks. It had only been a few weeks months ago. Everything had changed so fast. I had started smoking weed, I wasn't addicted. I just needed it to feel better. I had started skipping at school. Then I had sold my body for a few drinks. I haven't gone further down. Deidara have been refusing me to start using heroin. He'd told me just how terrible it is. He cared for me as much as a junkie can do. I know he'll start hating me as soon as I stop helping me when he's too high to earn enough for his next shot.

"Can't we just wait, just a week? I need it! I can't do this next week! I know you didn't spend all your money on some shitty vodka!" He was getting desperate by now. He knew he wasn't going to get what he needed. I wasn't born yesterday. This wasn't going to be easy. He could attack me anytime just to get his hand on some money. Thankfully I've learned. I had given my money to Kakuzu. He had a few hiding spots. For some money he would hide whatever cash we had from the house lord. He didn't care what we were doing, but he didn't mind stealing whatever he had of money. "Do you have any Rohypnol then?" I gave him a small laugh. "What makes you think I have date rape drugs?" He wasn't in any laughing mood at the time. "You tend to keep on the soft side, and I know you have trouble sleeping." He was right and I did have some. They did help me sleep, it's mostly better to sleep then to be awake. I removed a plank from the wall on my side and took out a box of pills. I would hide my stash in there seeing most of the people in here had a drug addiction of some sort. I took a bottle and the pills with me over to him. I started laughing as I watched him swallow the pills to vodka. "Do you really think THIS is funny?" He had been without his drugs for a few hours and he was getting this mad already. "It's just that at school we learned that one plus one is three when it came to mixing pills and alcohol."

"_Hey! You need to stop acting like some stuck up rich girl. You're just as high or low as anyone here. Less worth since you're a girl even." We were sitting on the kitchen benches. "Why are you even here? I mean, you're not like anyone here." He was looking over at me. I pushed him with my shoulder and gave a laugh as he almost fell down. "I like this life." He hated it more than everything; maybe he hated his drugs more. "This life isn't for you, you're too soft. It's going to break you."_

I wasn't going to let it break him. He was shaking and crying now. I tried to comfort him, but I had no idea how bad he was feeling. Must have been 12 hours or so since he last got his shoot. This was just the start of it. Why did I even bother? He looked really sick, crying, sweating and shaking. All I could do was to let him lie in my lap while I pated his back. I bet he wouldn't even notice if I stopped, but it was all I could do for now. He jumped up and threw himself at the bucket. He was throwing up blood now. I gave him something to drink and he lay back down on my lap. "You're doing fine." He didn't answer. He hated me right now, but at the same time he loved me for caring enough to do this to him. He had started freezing now. Hoping the painkillers would kick in. They never did, they weren't strong enough for his poisoned body. "It's too late for me," he said. He would always say such, but I felt that this would be the last time. "Shh, it's never too late. You'll stop using, we'll use my money and move from this shit hole. Close to a mountain, next to a crystal clear little lake. There we'll live. Away from everything that's harmful." He nodded. He had heard so much about this plan.

"_If you could get one wish, what would you want?" We were at our room this time. "To get away from this place. Move away from everything, where no one knows this life. They've always had a great life. Living close to mountain where I would walk every time I could. Drinking from the river that leads down to our house. Living with you where the stars are bright at night and the sky blue at day." _One day we'll be living there. One day that would be our life.


	2. Day Two: Why Risk it?

He was talking more now. It had gone two days. He usually never felt so fine on the second day, it gave me some hope. This time had to be the time he would make it. This was day one. The day every drug addicts dream about. The first day of a clean life. I wanted him to have a life worth living. I knew him before he was ruined by drugs. Before he turned in to this hollow person, nothing but a shell. It's too late to change the past; it'll always be what it is. Always. It's a scary idea, but it's the truth. "Hey! Why don't you take a shower?" I asked. He didn't move. "You're smelly, okey?" I poked him and he let out a un just to let me know he was alive. It didn't seem like he felt for a shower. "Are you hungry then?" He turned around lying on his back. "You know what would have been good?" A smile crept on his tired face. He liked his lips and closed his eyes. I was now quite curious of what he was going to say. "Carrots and dip." He started laughing and rolled over on his stomach. He literally laughed himself to sleep because he went quiet. Maybe I should get what he wanted, but I was far interested in my book.

After ten minutes or so he opened his eyes. So he hadn't been sleeping. "Aren't you going to get it?" He tried to sound hurt, but I've been living with this man for a while now. "I'm not leaving you alone. The first thing you'll do is run to the streets to get your drugs." He didn't talk more to me that day. He had learned that I know him too well. Was he frightened by the idea?

"_When did you get the money for this?" I looked at the dress Deidara had given me. He just gave a sly smile and didn't answer. I know he was high because he didn't notice me pinching him. "You didn't remove the price tag, where did you get the money for a 200 dollar dress?" I was getting worried that he had started stealing by now. Not the pity theft he had been doing. Something bigger, more serious. Still he was giving me that smile. "Can't you just say thank you and be happy? Hm?"_

I had later learned that it had been what you can call his first day at work. He was using more or less all time now. It wasn't once in a while to feel better anymore. I had been so disgusted when I found out. How could anyone do something like that? The answer was quite simple I would learn, from the love of yourself or someone else. It might have been both for me. He kept buying me stuff when he was high. He spent the money he needed for his next shoot on me. I never asked him to. I was often useless thing, like set of tiny tea cups. I also needed the money for school. I rarely ever show up, but I make sure it's enough to pass. I still have a clean record and high grades so they have nothing on me. I don't remember what gave the idea to start, but I still remember the first night. I didn't want to sleep with anyone yet then. I had never done it and I didn't want my first time to be sold. I had only used my hands. It didn't pay well, 40 dollar, judging by the car I had lost my soul in, he was rich. It doesn't matter if they're rich. The only thing that matters is what they pay you. You can be lucky or hardly get anything at all. As long as the money is on the nightstand, or somewhere you can reach, everything goes. I had been burnt on that enough times now.

"_Why do you have to fucking follow my path?" Itachi must have told him. I wonder if they ever had a relationship. More than junkie and customer. Deidara still needed the money for his drugs, but had there ever been feelings involved from both parts? I had tag on yesterday. None of us minded. Itachi had food and a soft couch. Most importantly, his home smelled clean, like lemons. We had stayed up talking while Deidara was sleeping. What I have been up to the few last night must have slipped out. Itachi didn't mind backstabbing me since he was jealous of me. "I'm not on heroin, and I'm not fucking anyone for money like you!" I screamed out. I bet most of the people living at the orphanage heard me. If he still had the ability to feel ashamed I had killed it. _

When Deidara got tired of being mad at me he went to the bathroom. He took my advice on the shower part. Thankfully we had a good view to the bathroom so I would see if he made a run for it. He didn't bother getting dressed or even dried off when he came back. He started walking around the room thinking. Thumb under chin and fingers resting on his lips. Deep in thought, I bet he wouldn't even notice if he dropped his towel. "Deidara…?" He didn't even look at me. He didn't notice me talking to him I think. What he was thinking about I don't know. After a while he started having trouble walking. His feet were shaking and couldn't support his weight. Today he hadn't screamed out of pain even once. I knew that the shaking and twitching was painful. Today he was calmer. He drank a bottle of wine looking over at me with a cold murderous glare. I didn't say anything, it wasn't worth it. He was mad. Saying anything would have angered him. Why risk it when he would have forgotten it the next week anyway.


	3. Day Three

**Boy, you don't look a day over twenty one  
But you already feel like half your life has gone  
**

He looked so tired there he sat. Back against the wall. It is hard believing that he was so young. Life had worn him out. Still there was someone inside there. He still didn't want to talk to me. He tried to freak me out by constantly looking at me. I did the same towards him. It was then I noticed what his way of life had done to him. I couldn't help wonder what he saw looking at me. Probably some whore thinking she's better than everyone who is taking away the only joy in his life. How had things come to this? One could never understand Deidara. He was like a rubix cube with ten different colors. It would never add up no matter how hard you tried and you could never figure out what was on his mind. We sat like that for hours. Looking at each other, shaking, smoking, vomiting and drinking. The silence was broken by my stomach rumbling. "You should eat," he said picking up a cigarette. I didn't respond. I could deal with my hunger. This was a battle of will. We both wanted to win. He raised one eye brow waiting for me to move. I didn't, he wasn't going to win this.

**Drawing on a cigarette, hoping your head will clear.**

I wanted to eat, but I couldn't leave him alone. He should eat too by the way, even if it'll just come back up again. Someone turned on some music. It was pretty loud, made both of our heads turn again the epicenter. Not that we could see who was playing it. It didn't matter, it was something to do. I think we're both getting tired of this. It wasn't fun even the two first hours. I got up and stole a cigarette from Deidara and sat down on the window sill. I liked sitting there, looking out. Used to clear my mind. Deidara took another cigarette too, his fifth this half hour. I might need to get someone to buy him some more soon. I think he was getting bored out of his mind. This world is so plain next to the one he's used to be living in. In the happy world of heroin.

**They're screwed up the same**

I didn't know much about him. I don't know much of his past, what made him what he is today. Everyone in a place like this have their own past. Some keep them locked up inside for only them to know. I didn't mind sharing if asked something that is rarely. I think there's only one person in this place who knows everything about him here. Sasori, they have from what I've head, had a past. I don't know more than that. I think it was just on the friendly state. I can't picture Deidara being anything but a friend to anyone. My picture of him is tainted by his drugs, but still. He doesn't seem to have a heart. Many times I've wondered if he wasn't a psychopath, wouldn't surprise me. He didn't seem to feel anything but anger, and sometimes a lot of it. He's as said, a complex person. My hunger was starting to get excruciating. I think our little competition has ended. Who lost I'm not sure, might have been me when I moved. Might have been him when he spoke. I'm not sure, and I have no one to ask.

**And you want to tell your story but you don't know where to start**

I remember the day Deidara had been missing for a few days. He uses to do that every now and then. Nobody cares, if he doesn't get back let's just hope he's found a better place to be. Just that this time he had been missing for longer than usual, and I did care. I found him one morning outside a kindergarten looking at the children. At first I was scared, wondering why he would be looking at small helpless children. He told me why. His little sister was there. She was the brightest one there, her smile could change lives. I couldn't help wondering if he had ever smiled like that. It was that morning he opened up to me. Well, enough to tell me how he ended up here, not why. His family had moved when his mother had gotten pregnant with his little sister. He ended up in the wrong crowd and started doing drugs. He figured that he had caused his family enough pain and ran away. It was better for them not knowing if he was alive or not, so he said. He never told me why he agreed to start taking drugs. Any normal 13 year old would say no to drugs and found new friends. I figured out that he must have been around that age. His sister must have been around 5.

**You can wipe the blood from your shoes and the tear from your eye  
Even "love will tear us apart" don't ease the pain **

I had seen him cry for the first time that day. Not a few tears. He had broken down. Must have been the memories of his once happy family. I'm sure it hurts more to once have had one and then lost it, then to never have known how it is. None of them are right, maybe both just as much, just in other ways. I will never know, it might also depend on what type of person you are. Yet again, what type of family you're in forms you. "How was your family?" I knew it was mean of me to ask. I knew that it was a risk. I could almost see his tears dripping from his eye. "They were, they are great, unn…" I couldn't help being curious of him and his family. I was eager to hear even if it hurted him. I was getting my hands covered in his blood, or just pain. "They were great even when I started using. They did everything to help me quit. It would work for some weeks, and then I'd end up deeper than before. They did everything they could for me, and I disappointed them every time." I looked outside the window. I didn't want to see him cry. "I guess love tore you apart."

**And you're close to the edge but you're hanging on  
Do yourself a favour, don't do yourself any harm **

I'd never been worried that he might take his life. He's always been hanging on, to his drugs or the hope that the time when he didn't need them might come. I don't know what it is, but I'm happy about it. I've seen him throw his life away, ruin it in so many ways. I've seen how he hurts himself with every needle, bringing himself closer to death. "Make me a promise." I stated, he wiped his tears away and looked at me. "You're still young; quit doing this shit once and for all now. You still have your life to live. Don't throw it away like this. Keep living like this everything might end tomorrow." He kept quiet. "You have a family that wants you. You can just quit doing shit and you'll get everything you need and you'll go on living life like none of this ever happened."

**But the scars on your arms, well, they're harder to hide  
**

**Maybe it was weird and shitty with the little lines between the texts. I just love this song so much. Ehe… Yeah, I'll try and write more and better. I've been social the last days and I've been playing sims something I haven't done in forever. Still I hope you liked it. : )**


	4. How Can I Forget?

After his turkey had calmed down he did nothing but sleep. He only woke up to drag himself to the bathroom or to drink. One can only imagine how tired he must have been. Right now he was sitting up smiling like a child. I had given him some pine apple. He loved it, but he was allergic, he had to eat something so I gave him some. Soon his lips would turn deep reed and he would slightly bite down on his tongue because it was so numb. I couldn't but to smile with him. I started laughing a little when I noticed just how well the pine apple matched the color of his hair. He was too busy eating to notice. Unlike every other time we had tried he ate by himself this time. I didn't have to force him. I couldn't help thinking that he was going to make it this time. Since it didn't seemed like he would need something from me anytime soon I went to sleep for a few hours.

Waking up everything was quiet. I guessed Deidara was sleeping again. I had a dream where I had bought a painting of a pin-up girl and a green dog. It was weird, just weird. I looked over to see if Deidara really was sleeping. I couldn't see him so I jumped up. I went over to see if he was in the bathroom, I turned out to be as empty as the kitchen. He couldn't have done this! Not when he was going to make it this time. It was going to be over now. I asked the others around if they had seen him. Deidara had run away unseen. I sat down trying to find out where he had gone. He needed drugs. To get drugs he needed money. He needed to get money somewhere so he had went to someone, Itachi.

"Where is he?" I screamed. I was frantic. I needed to know that he was okey. I needed to know that he was sleeping in Itachis bed. I needed to know that he was safe. "He was here some hours ago, he seemed to be in a hurry, didn't even care that all I had was twenty bucks." I screamed. "What? Something wrong?" I didn't have time for this, he yelled out something after me. I didn't care what. I could feel his eyes on me and I walked towards the park. I walked over to his regular dealer. "Seen Deidara? The blond?" I asked him trying to seem calm. "Yeah, seemed eager to get his smack. He bought 25 dime bags but only paid for two of them. If he's ending things off you owe me 230 dollar with interest. Junkies don't stock their drugs. Sorry to say it girly."

I broke down. Only way for me to find him was on foot. That meant he had plenty of time to take his overdose. It didn't seem like he wanted this, to end his life. He couldn't end things like this. He wasn't the one to kill himself. He just couldn't have done it. I spent my day looking for him. It was hopeless. I wasn't going to find him unless he wanted me to. I was pretty sure he didn't want to. No he would have come home then. He didn't I waited for days. I didn't hear a thing from him, nor did I see him. I still keep looking for him, even if it's been years. The memories of him will never go away.

Even if it was distant in my mind, this boy I once knew, I couldn't help find myself looking for him. If I was in the poorer part of town, where I knew drugs were sold, or just at the street. I would never see anyone with yellow hair shining, claiming immediate attention. No, I should have given up hope long ago. I was grown up now. I wasn't this silly girl who would get high on weed on weekdays. I was all grown up. I had a five year old son. I had even been married. It didn't work out. One says you never forget your first love. I don't know it that really can explain anything. It had been any love between us. We were just two teenagers looking for love. That's all. We had never found it in each other. We had just been together, doing stupid things together. It was still enough to ruin a marriage.

I didn't know anything. What had happen to him? There were so many questions, none to answer. How could I forget him if I didn't know if he was alive or not?


	5. Do You Still Think About Me?

I walked into an art studio looking for a painting to hang in my living room. I had learned in a distant past that mass produced paintings were killing the real artists, buy original. So that's what I've always done, even if it wasn't cheap. I had enough money to spare for a painting by some unknown painter. Being a student isn't that terrible. I have enough money to manage, so I could afford one painting from someone who wasn't known. The name doesn't matter if it looks good. An artist should produce something shallow, but she, or him be as deep as one could get. It added up, in some sort of way.

There was nothing there that caught my eye. Sure all the paintings were pretty, but that was it. I didn't know really what I was looking for. I had asked my son what he would think was pretty. He had wanted something with pirates, and a pretty princess. It saddened me that I couldn't see him that much. It's what a criminal record do to you I guess. It doesn't matter what you do, when you have done something wrong. No it isn't that simple. It was nothing there that I liked. A painting of a park, worn out buildings, people arguing. It was pretty, but not something for me. Still it was something about all these paintings. Something I couldn't put a finger on.

I was thinking about leaving but my heart told me not to. It was just a feeling I had. There was a painting that I just had to look at. It was of a girl with long blond hair, sailor hat and mini shorts. With her back towards you she was looking for some ships sailing away. Sure it was a cliché picture. It was just that it was a storm building up over the ships, it was raining as well, just that the rain stopped right in front of her. To me it meant that trouble was sailing away from her and that grey days were making their leave. It was so pretty. Looking around there was some more pictures of this girl, none of them showing her face.

Looking around the corner I must have seen the painter. He was talking to someone, maybe someone interested in his paintings, or someone else's. It was after all the art schools gallery. I was about to leave noticing the scars on his arm. I didn't want to support his habits, but I noticed that they were all old. I wondered why he didn't hide them. I mean, not everyone wants to have something to do with drug users. I was about to look closer at him, but I noticed the picture next to me. It all made sense to me now.

The painting of the park, the park where we used to go to get our drugs. The worn out building was where Itachi lived, and right now I was looking at view all too familiar. It was from our room. I was sitting in the window sill. My face showing now unlike all the other pictures. On the floor a green little dog. At the top left it said "I guess love tore you apart." While on the bottom right said "and you'll go on living life like none of this ever happened." It had been one of the last things I had said to him. I looked around to see if the artist may have been him. They were both gone.

I started crying, I must have been going insane. Why couldn't I just forget him! I need to forget him. "Do you still think of me?" I was sure that I had started hearing voices, but I turned around to see none other than him. "I remember that the last time we laughed was when you told me that dream where you dreamt of a green dog in a painting. You told me that love had torn me apart, and you told me that I could go on living my life like nothing have ever happened. The irony is that you did all those things. I saw how you once loved me, and how I tore you apart. I waited for you, at the train station after selling the heroin I had gotten from my dealer. I had a ticket for you. I knew you went to Itachi, so I left a letter for you telling you to meet me. Why didn't you come for me?"

Sorry, I just got the idea, and had to write it. :]

And I forgot to say this the last chapter, and the one before that. Heh, the song I used was a hidden track on the album Twenty One by Mystery Jets. They're awesome.


	6. All Grown Up Now

I had to touch him. Feel if he was real. Know that his smile wasn't a picture of my imagination.

I took a hold of his shirt and dragged him close. His heart was beating, his eyes were set back by the movement. The surprise of my touch. "It's funny, how our life turned out. How we would meet again." I could feel his breath hitting me, it was warm, comfortable, seducing, and perhaps dangerous? "That I would never forget the man who waited for me. How our adventures would haunt me, I might have ignored the memories, but never forgot you."

Maybe it was us standing close or me whispering that made him tense. I don't know.

I looked down on his fingers looking. "Engaged," he replied to my searching glance. I nodded, who was I to think that he have ever loved me that much? What I had done with my life, what I had thrown away for a teenage crush I hadn't seen in years was silly, stupid. Still it couldn't be helped. He had never felt that way about me. He was too busy with his drugs. My excitement turned to anger.

I slapped him.

It could be heard through the empty corridor. He looked like he knew why. Sadness filled his eyes.

"I owe you my life."

That's all what he could say. Nothing more! Nothing more? After all this time, all I got was a thank you?

He grabbed my hand and ran to a door, up some stairs. It was hard keeping up with him. I tripped and he pulled me up again. He stopped in front of a door. Unlocked it and shoved me inside. "I live here."

His reason for taking me there was unknown. "I was so sure you had killed yourself." I was crying now. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so many emotions. I'm not sure if I even have. I hugged him, still not sure if he was real or not. It was like, I have no way to explain it, magical. It felt like this world wasn't real. Nothing was real, I hadn't aged since I was that little insecure girl who just wanted one thing. I was still that girl. I hadn't changed on the inside. Some things never change, and I was back to feeling frightened and worried about the other male I could never figure out. I was once again wondering what he was thinking. I didn't know him anymore, I didn't know much about him, he was still closed on the inside.

He was eyeing me, he was clearly thinking about something. I wanted to ask him what, I wanted to know what. It wasn't a question one could ask. You can never get under the skin of Deidara. He was a mysterious person. He held so many secrets that would never be told. No, he wouldn't have mind telling them. There was simply not enough time to listen to them all. His glare didn't move. He wore a smile on his lips. His eyes shining like a city at night. His chest moving up and down with every breath he took, but left me breathless. No other living person had this power over me. I wonder if my eyes still showed anger, if they told what I was feeling. All this questions he made me rise, but never ask.

He moved his hand over to my arms. I was too caught up in thoughts that I didn't notice the insecure shaking when he first touched me. No, my mind where somewhere else. My focus wasn't on him. My bottom lip quivering, about to speak, but he shushed me. He didn't want to ruin the movement. Tears leaking from my eyes again. I couldn't control myself. I was unsure what to do, too afraid and affected by the moment to move.

It felt like I was going through the seven stages of grief, denial, pain, anger, reflection then next was adjusting. The only problem was that I wasn't grieving. No, I was happy. I wasn't sad, happy. He wiped a tear away. His eyes searching for something. What, I didn't know. I breathed in and kissed him. I wasn't going to let him slip this time. No, we were both here. I moved my hands from his shirt too his hair. He moved his to my back. Both trying to bring the other closer. Our heads moving from side to side trying to deepen the kiss. Yes, we were both still unsecure teenagers. Clumsy, clingy and desperate.

It happened fast. It was something we both wanted, we needed this. We needed closure, but we started something new. "You got high because you had low self esteem, but you were always beautiful." I didn't want to talk. I just wanted him. Was he having second thoughts? We fell down on the sofa. Me on top. He looked scared. I sat down on him, my legs between him. He was scared. "I'm a mother." I told. He nodded. He understood. I couldn't waste my life on him, him that ran away. "You have nice curves now." If it was a comment to me being a mother or not I don't know. He was eying me, I didn't mind. He wasn't like any of the others.

He pulled me down again and kissed me again. It wasn't like only a few seconds ago. He wasn't sure if he wanted me anymore. He was to be married. I couldn't do this. I sat up again and looked down on him. "I'm a father too. I've never seen the kid. Does that make me a bad person? That I don't want anything to do with my own child?" He had tears in his eyes. "I don't think any less of you." I didn't, he had have enough to deal with. Not even I had been told I wasn't good enough to mother my own child. I lay down on him, this time hugging. He needed it. "It's never too late, you're never too old to learn how to love someone." He couldn't help but too cry. He answered me with a question that hurted. "Do you hate your father for leaving you?" I wasn't sure what to say, telling him no would be a lie, everything else might hurt him. "I hate him for what he did, not what he didn't."

All this depressing talk had definitely ruined our mood so we sat down in the sofa. "Care for some tea?" Deidara asked. "No, I need to pick up my son. I'll see you around?" He nodded, and I left.


	7. How

It was cold outside. I tightened the scarf around my neck. The snow was beautiful, like nothing I've ever seen. It was something about it. It was snowing, no big deal. This was a big deal. I couldn't help but to jump and run around like a child laughing for myself. It was already dark outside. The white snow was fighting the darkness from above. Everything seemed to be on the snows side, the street lights, the light from the stores, the stars and my smile. I ran to the park. There was a small path in the snow leading to the small bridge between the two ponds. I sat down on the middle, in the snow. I wondered if the ice was strong enough to hold me.

I skipped down to the shoreline. I grabbed a hold of the railing on the bridge. Slowly I made my way out on the ice, never leaving the safety of the railing. Feeling safe enough I let go of the railing to blow hot air in my hands. As much as it was a beautiful day, it was a cold one. "It's funny how we meet at the strangest places." I jumped breaking the ice. I let out a scream and pulled myself up. I didn't want to get cold, or drown for that matter, I think. Death was a funny subject. "Deidara, you startled me." He stood on the low bridge drawing on a canvas. "You have to make a rough draw before you paint, to make it magnificent. I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable watching you without you knowing it." I wanted to see what he was drawing, but I determined not to do so. An artist needs privacy.

So, I would just sit there. The snow beneath me melting, making me even colder. A word wasn't spoken. It didn't need to words to tell that we had drifted apart. We didn't know each other anymore. The one link we had together was wiped away. Replaced with a better life. The right thing to do would be to get up and leave. I wasn't known for making the good choices. I never had, and if it meant giving up the one good thing for my childhood, my first love, I'd rather be sitting. He, himself didn't say anything. Maybe he was too busy drawing, maybe he as well was thinking. No, he's an artist, he's impulsive. Not that I knew if it was true or not. I didn't know him anymore. I wanted to get to know him. What did I know? He might not had changed at all. Then again, did I ever really know him? Why would I feel so strongly towards someone I didn't know?

The silence was overwhelming. I wanted to say something, but didn't find the words. Maybe I didn't want to break it, maybe I was scared of what would happen. Like my voice could shatter him. "Care for some tea now, you look cold." I nodded and got up. He packed together his things. I still didn't want to speak. We rushed past every café on our way. By the looks of it, we were heading over to his place. "Do you like your life now, I mean… Do you like it here?" He stopped. I stopped and turned around when I noticed. His bottom lip was quivering. It could have been a cold. I was really cold outside, but it wouldn't explain the tear in his eye. He didn't answer but rushed past me, I didn't see the problem with following him. He didn't speak against it, but I kept my distance.

This time I didn't fell up the stairs. No, this time I was doing it right. When he didn't slam the door in my face I was sure that he wanted me around. He took of his jacket. I dropped my pants. They were wet, and cold. He just looked at me and went into a different room. I didn't take of my jacket. It was my only source of heat. I didn't expect him to return so fast, or with a new pair of pants. "I think they'll fit you," he said and threw them at me. He went over to his kitchen corner. I tried on the pants. They were rather too big than too small. He hadn't really gained that much weight since he was… Since he was sick. With legs placed in a baggy pair of dark jeans I walked over to him. "It's empty," he suddenly said. There was lots of water in the tea boiler so I didn't know what he was talking about. "You asked me if I liked my life now, it's plain and empty."

The mood had suddenly changed again. Now it was unpleasant. I didn't know what to tell him. I just sat there sipping my tea. "I miss my old life." He broke the silence. I put my cup down on the table. "It isn't supposed to be like this, I'd start doing drugs any day if it gave back the relationship we had." I couldn't help smiling. It was on the top of the list of what to don't in situations like this. "I've never been happy without you." It was true, I hadn't been happy. Awkward silence followed again. None of us knew what to do, or what to say. Drinking tea in silence was easier.

How he ended up on top of me was easy to explain. I had started poking him, so he decided to take revenge. How his lips ended up on mine, we needed each other. How my top ended up on the floor, he had spilled tea on me laughing. How his shirt ended up on the floor, I wanted it off. How we ended up in bed, it was bigger than a sofa. How we should break someone's heart, we developed an affair.


	8. Short update

Have you ever heard about a story where the lover walks away happy, or ends up staying with the man she loves?

But without him I had nothing, and it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Does that just count for books and movies? Did he still love me in the morning when I had to get up early to sneak out of the building? Did he still love me when he cancelled our dates to go out with his fiancée? But that's too late to talk about. I had started it, and I didn't want to end it.

"Do you have to go out tonight?" I was currently lying on his couch. He was working on this masterpiece of his. He didn't answer. It seemed like he wasn't going out, but staying at home working. "How is she, your fiancée?" He put his pencil down. "I hate her," that was an odd answer to give. "Then why don't you end things with her?" He glanced over at me. "Things aren't that simple." His low breathed voice told me he didn't want to talk about this. Why he wanted to stay with someone he didn't know was beyond my understanding.

Just had to post this, I'm changing computer and I'm moving so I don't know when I'm going to update.


	9. Dining

I'm skipping my math homework for you guys so be happy. Gosh, private school is hard! Me might want to change school, anyway I don't even remember where I was. I don't have internet as of right now so I can't check. Let's just hope it makes sense.

Oh! If anyone is reading my other story, I'll update soon. I have some days off, so I can figure out where I stopped. Some author I am, forgetting what I've written. Eh, you just sit there and enjoy the story, or role your eyes and find something you like better.

Do you believe in karma? Your good deeds add up in your next life, or maybe you're one of those who think it would do so in this life time. It would be fair wouldn't it? You might think of some skank or idiot at your school and agree with that. Still there are a lot of persons who have done a lot of bad thing, then regretting them. Should they still suffer for it?

If you love him it's worth the pain.

Yes, I was willing to take whatever pain karma or anyone else would give me. I did truly love him, even it seemed like he loved his art more than anything else. I was the number one living creature, even if he claimed that his art had a soul. It was just a canvas with paint on to me, but to him it was so much more. I bet he would love his art more than his first born. Would that surprise me? No, in some ways it would surprise me if he ever had children. I can imagine him being good with children, but I could never imagine him with his own children.

It was raining outside. I didn't want to go outside, but I know I had to. It doesn't matter if you want to or not when you need the money. One need food and somewhere to live is also great. My son was at his father. I looked up on the painting I had bought, he had liked it. Not as much as he would like one with pirates, but he didn't hate it.

I packed myself in a raincoat. I could hear it raining hard on the other side of the door. I didn't have a choice. I had to go to work, too late to call in sick or anything now.

City of Lights my ass, it was all dark outside. Some cars drove by, no one showering me. Thankfully. I could feel that my hair was dripping wet. I would have to pull it up so it wouldn't drip all over the customers.

Getting used to the cold and wet, I started enjoying the rain. Even so, I didn't shed any tears running inside changing into my dry uniform. I worked at an exclusive restaurant, one might say. I dried my face and removed my running mascara. One would have to look good to get any tip. Some people are that shallow. That was a good thing for me. Sometimes I would make more on tip than I did working.

I smiled to Clara who I was working with this evening. She gave me some tables, and I got off to work. My heart skipped a beat when I spotted Deidara. I was about to greet him when I saw this beautiful woman sitting across him. His hand over hers. I kept my face. I was breaking on the inside, even if I knew this would happen.

I walked over to their table with a smiled. Grated them and gave them a menu before I walked over to my other tables. It was a quiet night, not many wanted to go out in this weather. I could help study Deidaras fiancé. She had short blue hair, a white rose in her. Her skin was perfect and pale. Her perfect tight fitting forest green dress showed that she was big in the right places, but she had a petit frame. A perfect time glace figure. She noticed my eyes and smiled at me, I couldn't do anything but to smile back at her. I had thought I would hate her for having more of him than me. They were engaged, I was the one he was cheating on.

The only thing she made me do was to wonder. Why did he dislike her so much, and why would he choose me over her? She was so beautiful, prettier than me in so many ways. All I had was my blond hair, blue eyes and a skinny figure. Her grey eyes would take all the attention away from mine, her piercing sad grey eyes was a mystery, leaving mine boring. I was skinny, I had no fat, no curves, and I looked more like a little boy than a grown woman. Her body was beautiful. She was perfect, so why me? What made me better?

I had to go over to them again. "Ready to order?" I asked with a smile. Deidara looked at me. His eyes told me nothing, no emotions, all blank. "Yes, I think we are." Her voice was so sweet. "We'll take two of the daily special, and one bottle of red wine that goes with it." She showed me her ID. Her name was Konan, 24 years old. "Can you show me where the bathrooms are?" Deidara smiled, and added a please.

He followed me over to the bathrooms, pushed me against the wall and kissed me. "I'm guessing it's you're fiancé sitting out there," I said. He nodded, the whole situation was twisted enough. She could walk in on us any second. He didn't seem to care, I wanted to care. After a short while I had to push him off. "I'm on work, and I can't stay here forever without her getting suspicious." He just gave a sly smile. "Meet me here in half an hour?" I didn't give any answer, I just walked away. What if he was using me to break up with his girlfriend?


	10. Hank

Twenty minutes I found myself at their table again. "Everything going well over here?" I asked with a big smile. Konan returned my smile with an even bigger one. "Yes! I've finally gotten my ring!" She was so full of joy. I couldn't do anything better than congratulate her when she showed me her gigantic rock of a ring. The only way this night might become any worse was if this was a family party.

Deidara asked for plain vodka with ice. Konan was happy with her wine and water, but wanted a piece of cake. Yes, I felt that I disliked her at that moment for being able to eat cake and look so good. I attended my other tables and went to see what Deidara had wanted to meet for.

He stood impatiently outside the bathrooms. "We can't do this, not now." He just gave me a blank stare. He didn't agree at all. "She's just…" I let out a sigh. "Your fiancée thinking everything is fine and that you don't want to fuck your waitress." That made him smile. "You're right on!" I couldn't believe him. "Why are you doing this?" He shrugged. "She's evil." This caused me to roll my eyes. "Yes, she looks like the daughter of Santa and Snow White! There you have your devil seed!" I didn't want to raise my voice, but I had too. He wanted to say something, but I cut him off. "This is sick! I can't do this, it's me or her!"

(Time skip to when Deidara had ran away, yes… I am that evil)

Everything had been so empty without him. The worst thing was not knowing. I didn't know if he was dead, or he could be a rich oil baron in some other country for all I knew. I used to make up small daydreams shortly after he had run away. He had gotten rich and came looking for me. He would take me to his giant house with too many rooms to count. I would spend my days by the big pool we had in our beautiful garden. Then we would get old enough to get married and have children.

I was much better than reality. Him having taken an overdose probably dead molding somewhere, never to be found. I didn't want to accept that he was dead. I wouldn't realize that he was gone forever. Might have been because it didn't feel like it, you know how you sometimes can feel stuff like that? It didn't mean that he was rich looking for me, it didn't even mean that he was safe. And who knew, I doubted I would ever see him again.

I found out that thinking about him would only make it worse, so I found ways to stop. I got too drunk to remember that I had been thinking about him. I would get so drunk that I passed out senseless. I wanted to try heroin, I truly wondered what was so great about it. I had promised him to never try, it would be like playing with fire after you got burnt anyway. So I didn't do it.

Being alcoholic barely got me through school. It was hard, but I somehow made it. If it was my hard work or me being willing to do whatever it took wasn't something I needed to wonder about. I remember what my mother used to say when I was younger, your body is just the container of your soul. It's your soul you need to worry about. What is your soul? It isn't scientific, is it? This is what being hung-over does to you. Don't try it at school children.

I was so proud that day I started at the university. What I wanted to do with my life? I wanted to study society. I wanted to know how common every weird little thing was. I wanted to map people want put them I charts. It exited me, it was so funny. Even though, I would never finish my studies.

I was 19 the day I found out that I was pregnant. I thought I had found the love of my life, abortion wasn't something I even considered. I now wanted to be one of those stay at home mothers. Being dependant on her soul mate to provide her and their children with everything they needed. I had no idea how much he had brainwashed me. I had never wanted this, I had been a feminist to the core. God, I had never even wanted children.

I wanted to graduate, earn money, have no commitments in my life and try to find Deidara somewhere. In reality I was 19, would never graduate, stay at home mother, unhappy and soon to be married to Hank. The worst name ever.

Long chapter, or maybe not now that I looked over it. Anychapter, I hardly ever find time to write. Too much homework, and I'm failing math, oh yes! I hate my school, big time. It's two at the night and I have church tomorrow so no more writing for me. F my life. If you want me to update some of my other stories remind me to save the last chapter of it in a review. I always forget, and I can't remember exactly where I ended things of. Hope you still love me, even if I'm bad at finding time to write. Me is sorry, I love you, you love me? : (


	11. Paris

Young love never seem to last.

I was convinced that I was in love when I gave Hank my yes. He was from a strict religious family so we had to get married as soon as we found out to cover up what we had done. I should have known that it would never work out. I should have known that it wasn't love. It would never become love. I wanted it to be, but Deidara was closer to my heart than he would ever be.

He knew, he accused me for cheating all the time. We often had heated arguments. He wouldn't believe me. Who could blame him, he knew my past. He looked at me as some social project. Something he could show off to his friends. He would tell everyone about my past. They would hate me for what I had done, and admire him for what he was doing.

I should have known that I would never fit in with his crowd. His perfect, rich and aspiring friends.

I would never get used to the judging glances they gave me. They didn't care who I was, only who I had been. I started hating them, and I hated Hank for being one of them.

I would compare him to Deidara, he would never have done this, he would never had said that. It was true, he would most likely be too high to do or say anything. I did the same with my problems, I got high. I got addicted to painkillers, always wanting, needing more. Never showing it to the world, it was between me and my pills. Nobody would ever have guessed.

It came as a surprise to everyone when I and Hank started having problems. He didn't like my attitude, I was too wordly. I didn't have the same morals and views as him. We would never agree on anything, not on a thing.

I was the one who filed for a divorce. He didn't want that, he didn't want anything I wanted. He was afraid of what people might think of him. He was never worried about me, or my feelings.

I moved out by myself. I didn't want to have anything more to do with him. I was still young, my life wasn't over yet. Still I experienced that I wasn't as young as I used to. I started drinking again. I would go to the closest bar every night. My problem grew bigger by each night, I wasn't able to hold a job anymore.

I had bills to pay, I needed money so I started delivering. I brought the drugs from the dealer to the buyer. It didn't pay as much as it should. Now I would say that the money wasn't worth the risk. It didn't always pay enough so I called up Itachi to see if he wanted to meet. He had died 53 years old, alone in his bed.

I didn't know if that was my turning point, or if I was tired of waking up places having no idea how I got there or what I had been doing. I wasn't as young as I used to be. I wasn't without worries, I wasn't with Deidara.

I would think of him every once in a while. I had given up the idea of forgetting it. Something told me he was alive, and he might even be waiting for me. Before I decided to go look for him I had something important to take care of. I couldn't let my son grow up with his father. His disgusting two-faced father who had no love whatsoever.

I had learnt what it meant to grow up without love. I couldn't live doing the same towards my own son.

It wasn't easy. Nothing was never easy to me. I spent months fighting for him. I was humiliated getting every mistake blown up in my face in every meeting. I got to hear what a terrible person I was, how irresponsible I was, how stupid I was and most important of all, how unfit I was to be a mother.

I stuck it out and ended up with having him every second weekend to start with, then having him every third week. I moved to Paris to be closer to him. I got a job as a waitress, I moved into a new apartment, and I found the love of my life. I had everything I needed to be happy.

"I choice her, goodbye."


End file.
